Last night I woke at 3 am to worry. It’s my job. I do it for my family so they don’t have to, and I usually punch the timeclock at around 3 or 4 am. Another part of this job is to wander the house “checking” on things. Make sure everyone is breathing, doublecheck that all the doors are locked, no fires smoldering anywhere…you know.
What is it about worry? Do we think that if we worry enough about something, we’ll somehow protect ourselves from it happening to us? Take for instance the constant worry of mankind that the world will end soon – which we’ve been worried about since the beginning of time. It never happens, it likely never will, and yet we worry. Worry is such a ridiculous waste of energy. It helps nothing and only stresses and wears down our health and immune system (yet something else to worry about). If I could accumulate all the time and energy I’ve spent on worry, and reapply it to something positive in my life, what wonders could occur.
This particular night, I was worried about my dog. In the last four years, I have watched two of my dogs die a long painful death from some type of mysterious cancer that the vets couldn’t quite peg. And now the only dog I have left was suffering some type of allergy, itching all the time (common to French Bulldogs) and my goodness….he looked a little thinner to me, even though Troy thought he looked the same as always.
Nonetheless my eyes flew open at 3 am, and my mind was on alert – Okay, ready to worry. Let’s do this.
Then I realized now nutballs I am and instead used the time to talk myself down. Really, he looks the same, he acts the same, he’s only four years old and he’s itchy. That’s it. He’s not dying of cancer. So why not just focus on his good health, pray for continued good health, and trust that everything will be okay? So I prayed, and lied awake, and still worried.
In the morning I talked to Troy about it (who is not at all worried about the perfectly healthy, itchy dog). I told him that I myself sort of feel like a dog, one who’s been kicked for a while with repeated bad surprises from life, the kind of dog who recoils when you go to pet him for fear you’re just going to whack him on the head. That’s how much I trust life….goes back to what I said in my last post about waiting for the other shoe to drop.
And that’s when Troy said this to me –
“Honey, everything is okay. It’s a new year, a new beginning. The other shoe is not going to drop. And if it does, we’ll just dance like hell on the one shoe we have left.”
And that is reason number 1057 I love my husband. It also is the end of this blogpost because really….how can I top that?
Hollye, Hollye, Hollye. I wish I could reduce your worry (anxiety) but the only thing that has worked has been medication. I used to be so hopeless that a Spike Lee moved sent me into a panic about the world and why did I have kids when the world was so fucked up. This about 20 years ago. Started Paxil and have never looked back. Had to make a few adjustments over the years from 10mg to 20mg but I can't engender hopelessness which went to anxiety which went to worry. Can't say I still don't worry from time to time but it doesn't ever go as deep and I can quite figuratively imagine a broom and me sweeping away the anxiety. Play a game with yourself. What is the worse that can happen? And then say to yourself I could survive it. The worst will never ever materialize and you will be calm and back to bed. If that doesn't work imagine the ocean and pictures waves crashing on the shore. I hope you feel better. At least you have Troy-I had no one sleeping next to me. Oh and even when I was married and had someone sleeping next to me they didn't express any solace. I love Troy. I love you.
MADGE, You are a wonder. Thank you for being such a constant beacon of love and support. and yes, I've had quite a few doctors offer me prescriptions of Prozac, Paxil…you name it. but coming from a family of addicts, I'm a scaredy cat of pills! So therapy, therapy, therapy, meditation, prayer…always trying to heal myself, and YES! I have Troy! He always sets my mind at ease. He is such a calm, good person. My Zen master. : )
Meditation and inner peace not drugs.
Way to many pills floating around these days with consequences unknown to the public via political ties between doctors, insurance companies, medical suppliers and manufacturers. I digress that is another topic,ha.
You Hollye are so strong in body and mind and ARE aware which is the key.
That when faced with a situation you deal with it and you have the love and support of family and friends. Review your past that you have shared with all of us and you guys are all so great and fine and things always work out.
Words and thoughts have strong meanings but the Mind is the most powerful when
you are Aware and you my dear are so Aware.
Breath In ~ Breath Out with each Life Wave and you will always surface
because you are Aware and In Control of your thoughts. xoxo
I loved this blog.
Bums once told me he married me to calm him from life worries and oh yea love and all that but he is a worry wort!
I once told Amy he sucked all my juices dry and that it was time to lubricate~we both laughed so hard. Love and Peace Within Hollye Great Blog.
Troy's comment may be the sweetest comeback I've heard in a long time! And he's right of course.
Thing is, we are hardwired to worry, so you are right to work on re-wiring. We can't just unplug, we have to work with what we have I guess. I too do the worry thing. And always chastise myself for it. Anyway, love and courage, my dear!
The Middle Ages