I’m Going To Be Rich!

Written by Hollye Dexter

September 2, 2010

Out shopping for back-to-school shoes with my little one yesterday, I of course, was ogling the Fall fashions in the windows, but feeling an increased sense of panic as I realized….none of these clothes are for me anymore. NONE!
I will not be wearing tight midriff baring tees with graffiti scrawled over the front, nor mini skirts or jeans with shredded knees that seem to only come in size zero through three. Nor am I ready to shop for shapeless body shrouds at Chicos. So what are my clothing options? I can’t live my entire life in yoga pants and t-shirts.
That’s when I began fantasizing about opening my own store. It will be called –
“Forever Forty-Six”
Everything in the store will be made from Spanx. Everything. Bathing suits, coats, even shoes. I will carry the REAL miracle bra, which will gather the odd estrogen-laced fat from your armpits and put it back where it belongs… Voila- you just gained a cup size! You’re welcome.
Seamless panties will be comfortable, breathable, and will stretch from just under your bra all the way to your knees…oh and they will be drop dead sexy. How, you wonder? I do not know. This is my fantasy- don’t ruin it.
I’ll carry camel-toe resistant jeans that lift your ass, and cover your entire buttcrack with a double enforced muffin-top eliminator. My tee shirts will be jiggle proof, and my blouses will tone your upper arms while you wear them, revealing only the cleavage on your chest, not on your back.
For Fall, I’ll feature turtlenecks which push the fat under your chin up into your cheekbones. Or your lips. Yes ladies, there will be two choices.
My best selling shoe will be the Optical Illusion Flat that tricks men into thinking you’re wearing five inch Manolo Blanick’s. Oh, and they come with invisible socks. Fuzzy ones.
Everything in the store will make you look like a sexy middle aged Katherine Deneuve, whether you’re black, white, asian, hispanic…you’ll look exactly like her in a rainbow of colors. Men will drop dead with overwhelming desire as you walk past.
My tag line: Nothing is sexier than an experienced woman who has lived well, knows who she is and walks with her head held high, covered from head to toe in spanx.

Yes, I think I’m going to be very, very rich.

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  1. Anonymous

    Love love love this. SO funny and so true. I shop at Chico's but I am older than you. I also love lulu lemon and the occasional real shops like Macy's or Nordstroms. But Homegoods suits me fine sometimes too. I hate to shop so usually I find one thing and get it in multiple colors.

  2. Anonymous

    I'm ready to buy it all! Let us know when your online store launches ;-)…

  3. Hollye Dexter

    No offense to Chico's, by the way. They are actually starting to carry some much cuter stuff. and Madge- never heard of Lulu Lemon – gonna have to check it out.

  4. Deb and Barbara

    Ha ha! Laughed so hard at this one! So frustratingly true.

    Must share with you that I went to buy a spanx-type undergarment the other day and have never experienced such claustrophobic panic as when that "tank-shaper" clamped its latex (read: iron) gusset around my upper body. It felt much like I imagine it would feel if Mama Alien got me in her slimy mouth and sucked. Really hard. It took everything I had not to scream for help as I extricated myself form its heathen jaws.

    Oh well *sigh* B

  5. Anonymous

    Lulu Lemon has the best workout clothes that you can wear everyday but they are expensive but they last forever. They are so soft and look good with anything. You can check them out online.

  6. Debbie

    I felt the same way at 46. NO CLOTHES FOR ME! WTF! Yes. YOU ARE GOING TO BE RICH. VERY, VERY RICH and women everywhere will bow down to the goddess Hollye!


  7. amy ferris

    maybe you can franchise, and i can open up one called forever fifty five. same exact concept, but with an added wrinkle or two.
    you are so cool.
    so very very very cool.

  8. Rose Marie Raccioppi

    Well even without a catalog in place, I am ready to place my order as long as it is guaranteed to include two dozen tee shirts with the inscription, and I quote you: "Nothing is sexier than an experienced woman who has lived well, knows who she is and walks with her head held high."

    A smile…

  9. Pam M

    I missed this while I was on vacation. SO great! This, finally, is my store. Can you open before I turn 47 in December?

  10. Dolores

    Hollye, I just discovered your blog through Amy F, Maxee and Melody G and that whole great gang. I've been reading from the start, loving every moment, and this one made me do a spit take with my coffee! Just got off the scale this morning and can't wait for your clothing line to come out. It would take a lot of pressure off me! I'm 47 and feeling every ounce of this, thanks! Now when I walk past a Forever 21 store, instead of cringing and covering my face I'm going to hold my head up and laugh out loud. See you in 25 years, ladies!!


  11. Hollye Dexter

    Thanks Delores! And welcome to the gang -or as we call it : the Amy Ferris-wheel. Glad to have you!

    : )


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