Hey Jealousy- Part Deux

Written by Hollye Dexter

October 15, 2010

(Oh sequins…the mortal enemy of mid-life woman…)

I’m picking up the thread of a blog I wrote a couple months ago. It was a story about a time when I got caught up in envy and, dare I say it, jealousy. The life lesson was this: jealousy has nothing to do with anyone else but me. When I feel the slightest twinge of that emotion, it’s a red flag that I need to take a hard look at my own life. That person – the object of my envy- must have something I feel I’m lacking, so I better get my own butt in gear and correct it. In fact, it’s a great exercise to closely examine what you are jealous of, and ask yourself what you could change in yourself in order to not feel that jealousy any more. If you follow the trail of emotion inward, it leads you to your heart’s deepest desires.
When I’m happy in my own skin, following my bliss, I never feel jealous of anyone. And I’m happy to say that I haven’t felt jealous in many years. I mean, I’m not saying I haven’t had my opportunities! Just last Saturday I was on a gig sharing the stage with a much younger, much thinner, much LOUDER singer. And the costume I had to wear….oh, the humanity! Try squeezing a skintight yellow sequin dress over your spanx (humming to myself in the dressing room: nowhere to run to baby, nowhere to hide) then stand on stage, under bright lights mind you, next to a gorgeous twenty-five year old wearing the same dress all night. But believe it or not, even that didn’t bother me. I thought…Eh, let her have her moment. I was once twenty-five and stick thin…I had that moment already. It’s her turn to shine. You know why I wasn’t jealous? Because I’m pretty happy, and because I know there’s room for all of us to be who we are, just as we are.
These days I am in the company of some mighty, amazing, strong women writers and a friend asks me the other day – isn’t there competition and jealousy amongst all of you? And I said No, you know what? There’s really not. At all. Because each of us has our own voice, our own unique perspective on the world, and we share it in the way that only we can. I don’t write like any of my friends, and they don’t write like me. Some of them are much funnier, much more direct, much more poetic, fluid, dark, light…and that’s what’s so great about it. We all get to be exactly as we are, so there’s no competition. Like my girl Oprah says – do “you”. Nobody can do you better than you.
The bottom line is: There is room in the world for more than one insight, more than one pretty twenty-five year old girl, more than one brilliant book, great song, piece of poetry or artwork. There’s room for every blooming flower in the garden.

So no, I’m not feeling the jealousy. Not at all. And god it feels so good. You know what doesn’t feel so good? Squeezing your 46-year old ass into skintight yellow sequins. So wrong…so wrong…

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  1. amy ferris

    so BRILLIANT … so brilliant….

    just when i thought, 'GEEZ, can someone please PLEASE talk/write about jealousy, there YOU ARE blogging about it. you bright shining amazing light of sequins.

  2. Amy Wise


    Oh my gosh this post is my life and my daughter's life right now. We just had this conversation the other day about how we are always so happy for our friends or others around us who are doing well. I'm a writer and my daughter is a dancer. I am THRILLED to see others successful with their writing and she is THRILLED to see others successful with their dancing. One of her friends was just in a music video and we both told her how excited we were for her. She actually shared with us that some people have not been so nice to her about the video because of jealousy. My daughter and I both told her that those people are not happy for her because they are not happy with themselves.

    Isn't is a beautiful feeling to have peace in your heart so you too can share that with everyone around you? Beautiful post Hollye…thanks!


  3. melody

    Im pretty sure there will always be plenty of room in the world for the likes of YOU! You really do..YOU so very very well..and I think alot of people are pretty darn happy thats true…!

  4. Anonymous

    Hollye, great piece of writing my friend. I also rarely get jealous anymore about anything. I am happy and that's just me. I see everything half full and lately even more so. On my trip one of the other travelers turned to me and said you have such a happy spirit and I said thanks. And realized that it is projected outward. On this trip there are some sour old people and I refuse to let them dictate or take away my happiness. Love the writing Hollye and I too wouldn't care to be in spanx or sequined dress that was tight. I would be thinking of those photos where they say "Who looks better in this dress?" and then give percentages. Not for me now or ever.

  5. Deb and Barbara

    My money is still on you looking amazing in those sequins — in your own beautiful way.

    My father used to preach to us to always try to be the best at everything we did. It was meant with all support and love. Problem was, it made me feel like my own unique efforts — if somehow lacking — weren't good enough because it wasn't "best" (not vis a vis him, mind you, but in my own mind). I finally FINALLY learned it was about being your own best, not THE best. Thank god we're all unique.

    xo B

  6. laurenne

    I had a teacher at Groundlings who used to talk alllll the time about how she went through the program with Lisa Kudrow, and how she was not jealous of her at all because there was room for both of them.
    But she would say it at every class, so much that it seemed she was only trying to convince herself but never convincing any of us she was really feeling that way!
    You, I believe. From you this makes so much sense! Envy is such a horrible feeling, and I gather you don't harbor many horrible feelings.
    Plus, I bet you looked pretty hot in that sequin dress. Because there is no way you look 46. No way.
    Can't wait to see you in action on Friday!!

  7. Anonymous

    Fabulous! In photography, though two photographers may stand shoulder to shoulder in order to take a photo of the same subject matter, the photo will always come out different. Each person has their own perspective on life, their own way of framing things, their own timing in pushing that shutter button, their own perception of shadows and light. Always be "you" and never strive to be another!

  8. Hollye Dexter

    Right on girls! You all seem to have learned this lesson too. That's why I love you! Look at all of us….what a garden of amazing broads, huh?


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