Fumbling with Faith

Written by Hollye Dexter

June 13, 2010

Lately I’ve been troubled by my loss of faith. It’s not that I don’t have any, I just don’t know what it is I have faith in. Is it God, nature, the cosmos, chaos, people, love? Recently I saw a bumper sticker What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about? I contemplated that. I mean, who knows. I’ve put my left foot in, my left foot out, shook it all about. Still no closer to the truth. Or am I?
So when I recently said a half-assed prayer and sent it hurling out to an unknown source somewhere in the Universe…I didn’t really expect a response. The “prayer” went something like this:
Uh….to whom it may concern….If you’re out there, I mean, if you exist…I guess it would be nice to be able to believe in something again like I once did, before life became so full of contradiction and pain and betrayal, and before I learned that the law of karma is about as accurate as an umpire at a Detroit Tigers game. I’d like to believe again…in something.
(Could I be any more vague?)
So of course what happens next is all hell breaks loose in my life, the good the bad the ugly, all at once. And I’m sitting here scratching my head going….wait…is this what I asked for? Let me clarify:
Uh, sorry to bother you again, I mean, if there even is a “you”. No offense. Well, anyway…When I asked for my faith to be strengthened, I was thinking more along the lines of… a dove of peace landing on my shoulder, or a burning bush (and believe me, be VERY specific if you ask for a burning bush – that’s all I’m saying), or maybe a golden angel could descend upon me and whisper in my ear. But what I got was a crazy lawsuit, violent neighbors with pitbulls, an exploding septic system, and a gorgeous healthy baby. Maybe I’m a little slow. Trying to make sense of all this…Testing…one, two, three…is this thing on? And if it is, could you send me a CLEAR sign?
But no dove. No golden tablets with all the instructions hammered out. Zip. Nada. Nothin’.
Man. Praying feels like when you’re calling AOL tech help, and your call is being transferred to India, and you’re on hold forever, and then you finally get an answer but it’s one you can’t understand at all, and the accent is so thick and the connection is terrible. I’m so jealous of people who seem to have that direct hotline.
But in the midst of all this lamenting and self-pity, my horrible week was capped by an incredible weekend where I was surrounded by my dearest friends, from old to new, every one of them making me believe in goodness again. I felt my spirit lifted as I witnessed my best friend Erin holding my newborn grandson, as I shared stories of the past with Dennis and Dani, as I laughed, hugged, cried, and drank wine with Amy, Maxee, Linda and met new wonderful friends… and tonight will be spent with my adopted family- the Doyles and Eisenbergs. My cup runneth over, my spirit renewed. As I sat here basking in the warm fuzzies, the epiphany hit. You know, all those bible stories -they are poetry and metaphor. Angels don’t descend from the sky, bushes don’t talk. The answers come to you in the form of friends, strangers, a little French bulldog, and even enemies. The message is there if you’re paying attention.
So okay, I’m paying attention, and I think I finally get it. Faith is not something you’re born with. It doesn’t float down and fall on your shoulder like an angel’s feather. Faith is hard freekin’ work. It is a muscle that has to be pumped like crazy before it’s useful at all. And the only thing I can figure is I’ve gotten faithfully flabby, and my creator is putting me through boot camp. But thank God I’m not going it alone.
As I was writing this, my daughter in law came in and placed the baby in my arms. He stared up at me, looking deep into my eyes, focused, unblinking. His gaze was so deep it was almost unsettling. And then, out of the blue, at only twelve days old, he smiled at me.
He smiled at me!
Now that’s what I call a clear sign.
Thank you.

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  1. Maxee

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE this. Hollye you are so beautiful not only on the outside, but on the inside as well. What a warm, wonderful, beautiful, loving person you are. And how lucky I am to call you my friend.

  2. Anonymous

    I loved it,every last lovely, thoughtful and funny word of it!
    When I am looking for inspiration or guidance I simply pop in your CD and listen to your angelic soulful voice and then I know I will be OK!

  3. Anonymous

    Just when I start questioning my faith, and feeling that bump in the road…of course my positive thinking alignment pushed me to your blog. I've felt like this all evening and was also, in a way, searching for that right and perfect answer of 'well am I just the only one going through this?' and you answered. I appreciate, and I am so grateful to know that others are going through the same thing. All these insane twists are only leading us to our right and perfect divine destination in life.

    Also, I've been reading Christy Whitman's 'Perfect Pictures' and it's incredible. Look into it if you're interested, it's like 2$ on amazon. It even has daily treatments!

    Thank-you again Hollye
    you've got a fan out here!

    -Lindsey Webb

  4. Deb and Barbara

    Of course I don't know you at all, Hollye, as I'm a new fan. But you had me at "fumbling". I laughed out loud at the Hokey Pokey reference and teared up at the baby. Beautiful.

    This is faith, for sure. In what's around us every day amid the chaos.

    xo Barbara

  5. Debbie

    Beautiful post Hollye. I would have to agree that a teeny, tiny baby who has just arrived from God, looking right into your eyes and smiling is about as much confirmation that God exists as any other thing I could think of. Wow.


  6. Anonymous

    Praying for faith is like praying for patience. You get opportunities to practice it. Brava for noticing the wonder of looking into someone's eyes-a direct line to God.

    -Deb Page (Diane's friend)

  7. Tina

    You've spoken some of my thoughts lately. I'm finding my faith muscle exercised to the limit in the last seven months. Fired. Had to pull boys out of private school. Homeschooling now. Then four months of severe illness from which I'm still trying to recover. Blah! I'd take the dove or the angel or a flippin' bush burning IN my house over this mess…


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